Dear America… Love, Canada
America, Canada, and Australia have always shared so many things together – as any three sisters would.
Let’s take a peek into some personal correspondence between them this week, get a glimpse at the lives of these international icons, all loved by millions – and how much they mean to each other.
My dear sister America:
Happy 241st Birthday to the most wonderful, influential and loving sister one could ever ask for.
My dear, you are and will always be the great Land of the Free, you are STILL the Home of the Brave, STILL the world’s only Superpower, STILL a beacon of hope and a light in the darkness to millions around the world.
I owe my own freedom to you, and I will always appreciate so much all that you do for my people every day. Not only are we so blessed to share a wonderful border, but it will likely always be the largest and most peaceful in the world.
I’m so glad you and I don’t have to get into any of that “wall construction” business – I’d hate feeling that either of us would be shut out from the other. Australia and I were talking this week on the phone, however, and we both agree that you simply MUST get that Southern wall started right away.
…Are they still trying to sneak into the yard at night without being invited? Oh dear – I hate to say this, and you know I welcome ANYONE with open arms, but that behaviour is outrageous and unacceptable. I worry about you being all alone in that giant house, knowing those people are just lurking around outside. Truly I cannot even imagine it. However, I saw a recent photo of you and you looked so tough! I was like “wow, that woman’s still got it going on”, you know what I mean?
Your Man is doing a great job, by the way, in draining that old swamp behind the house. I could practically smell that nonsense from here. I don’t understand how on earth this was allowed to go on for so long, but thankfully you finally found the right man to do the job.
Did I hear correctly that he offered to work for you for free? How do you find these people? My man spends the housekeeping budget like it was his last day on Earth. And between you and I, his wife is a frightful bore (I hid her guitar this week – shh shhh don’t say anything. She’s still shrieking out those horrible ditties she writes for her kids.)
Speaking of which, did you see the photos of their kids at my birthday party? The boys were so handsome in their little Maple Leaf bow ties – but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I’m telling you, their eyes are a cry for help.
I’ve grown weary of going to bed with a headache because of her, so I ummm…hahaha… keep a pistol by the bed hahaha. WHAT, its registered lol Sorry, sorry I remember – guns are not a joke with you. I wasn’t thinking – we just can’t relate to the Wild West up here. (Or Cleveland. I don’t get that city at all.)
I laughed by the way when I opened my birthday gift from you and saw the President Trump bobblehead. I will treasure it. Our Prime Minister is like a bobblehead as well – head full of sand, nods yes to everything and never says anything of value. Maybe we could time share your President every second weekend or something, pretty please? AFTER HE BUILDS YOU THAT WALL!
And coming back to our earlier point – your man is made of money. I wouldn’t be too concerned about whether he gets a salary or not – if he doesn’t care, neither should you. You should, however, be checking out if you can contract him out for the next 8 years now. Neither of us are going to find one like that for a long time. The cost is irrelevant. You need to have a man like that on this project. And you could buy whole planets with your credit cards so spare me the whining about it. If you could continue to have Maxine Waters take a salary, you certainly can pay the man what he was worth. Which is billions, I’m aware.
Have you seen on TV lately how Mother is ageing so quickly, it seems, these days? Oh I know, you don’t think of her that way anymore. But anyway, I was actually quite surprised. I hear Father has stopped doing public events altogether which I’m sure is just fine with Mummy – she’s got enough to do without him hanging around all the time. Well, I’m sorry but the man needs a hobby and breathing down her neck will never be a very profitable one for him.
However, she’s still as strong and sharp as ever, and she is always so proud of us and Australia. I will always marvel at her British sensibilities and her ability to stand up and stare down any evil Cretan that tries to blow up something over there.
I sometimes honestly walk around and just check all the doors and windows a few times before bed to make sure all is safe. Maybe that’s why we’ve been relatively free of that terrorist nonsense?
I hope I didn’t just jinx it, because I’m sorry, but my man is about as useful as a mink coat on a bear. We’d be hopelessly stunted if something were to happen here. He’d run to the library to get some books on it.
I sign off, I did want to again mention about that silly Reputation Institute Award. Well, the Award isn’t silly – in fact, I didn’t tell you that it actually made me cry. I just couldn’t believe that many of the 39,000 G8 residents they polled could vote for ME instead of their own country. (Well, in Germany’s case that’s not terribly surprising – I would never trust a Fatherland run by a woman).
Now, people do love you as well, don’t get all twisted up on this. It’s the Most Trusted Nation in the World award. I’ll be frank – it’s hard sometimes to feel totally safe and trusting with you – you always have a nuclear missile or an aircraft carrier nearby.
Those even makes me nervous – oh yes, so again I do appreciate the offer to have some protection from Putin and that chubby little Korean with the bad haircut, but I do not wish those nuclear devices to be cluttering around in my yard or basement. Ok? Point one for me from the MidWest or something.’ Just don’t point one AT me.
I digress. So yes, the people voted me the #1 Most Trusted Nation on Earth and it was a coincidence that they announced it two days before my birthday. Yes, this is the 6th year in a row I’ve come in 1st or 2nd.
SORRY – not trying to run it in – but it really IS nice to be #1 most trusted again. No, I don’t know what Sweden did to get to #1 last year or even #2 this year. Maybe people feel sorry because of all the Muslim riots there? Beats me.
But don’t think people don’t love you just as much or more. I’m the shy girl with the love of flannel and jeans that everyone wants to be friends with. You’re the super powerful global superstar they all want to be like. That is far more incredible.
And Australia is frankly just the best of all worlds – damn her haha. Gorgeous, loving, smart as Hell and tough as nails – no wonder she could handle her own continent. Lord, I miss her – we always have so much fun together and everyone wants to see her.
Which reminds me, I’m off – I need more place settings at my table before she arrives. I always want to have room for one more at my table no matter what.
The bottom line is, America, my dear sweet sister, sometimes we gripe about each other, often we take each other for granted. But when our futures were threatened by common enemies, we didn’t give a second thought to bearing arms side by side and fighting and dying together for the cause of Liberty and Freedom.
And we’d do it again if we had to. America, you still have people who believe in you from outside your borders, that cheer you on and defend you and honour and celebrate your victories.
You are the beacon that the whole world lights its path with. You stand in the harbour in New York and I might catch a glimpse of you on TV or a movie and…
Well, I’ve never told you this America and keep it between us. But when I see you standing there with your lamp held high in New York – I get tears in my eyes and a lump in my throne and you want to know why?
Because when people have looked at you in that harbour, holding that lamp and being so strong for everyone else….you are the most beautiful woman that has ever stood on this planet.
I stand in total and complete amazement of you. I am in awe. Because people would stay up for hours as their ships came from the UK or Asia or Australia. They were excited to see the country and go to Disneyland or whatever – but people would stay up for hours and stand on the deck of the ship in very cold weather often…
just because they wanted to see your face. And I’m one of them. I’ll always be your biggest fan. That’s what sisters are for. And you have no truer friend or dearer sister than this 150-year-old Dominion of Canada (I know I can’t believe it either
We thank God for you. Every single day we thank God for you. You give hope to hundreds of millions. You’re “American Dream” is being repeated again and again on pillows all over the world tonight. (Though people like my Canadian Dream too, I have to say. Hahaha)
America, I have known you and loved you and fought with you and shopped with you and been your next door neighbour my entire life. I look up to you in 100 ways and I’ve never been prouder of you.
Stay strong my sister. Be brave. Be honest. Be kind. And be at my house at 7:00 next Thursday – I’m hosting a dinner for Australia. I love when we three can be in the same room, because honey, we make those old European broads look like used cars.
Love you so much,
Your #1 Most Trusted Sister,
(I had to)