America, Canada, and Australia have always shared so many things together – as any three sisters would.  

Let’s take a peek into some personal correspondence between them this week, get a glimpse at the lives of these international icons, all loved by millions – and how much they mean to each other. 

My dear sister America:

Happy 241st Birthday to the most wonderful, influential and loving sister one could ever ask for.

My dear, you are and will always be the great Land of the Free, you are STILL the Home of the Brave, STILL the world’s only Superpower, STILL a beacon of hope and a light in the darkness to millions around the world.

I owe my own freedom to you, and I will always appreciate so much all that you do for my people every day.  Not only are we so blessed to share a wonderful border, but it will likely always be the largest and most peaceful in the world.

I’m so glad you and I don’t have to get into any of that “wall construction” business – I’d hate feeling that either of us would be shut out from the other.  Australia and I were talking this week on the phone, however, and we both agree that you simply MUST get that Southern wall started right away.

I love this photo, but can’t put my finger on what’s different – did you do something with your hair? ‘Lady Liberty By Hellder Gonzales’ (Credit: Toonpool)

Your Man is doing a great job, by the way, in draining that old swamp behind the house.  I could practically smell that nonsense from here.  I don’t understand how on earth this was allowed to go on for so long, but thankfully you finally found the right man to do the job.

Did I hear correctly that he offered to work for you for free?  How do you find these people?  My man spends the housekeeping budget like it was his last day on Earth.  And between you and I, his wife is a frightful bore (I hid her guitar this week – shh shhh don’t say anything.  She’s still shrieking out those horrible ditties she writes for her kids.)

Speaking of which, did you see the photos of their kids at my birthday party? The boys were so handsome in their little Maple Leaf bow ties – but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I’m telling you, their eyes are a cry for help.

I’ve grown weary of going to bed with a headache because of her, so I ummm…hahaha… keep a pistol by the bed hahaha.  WHAT, its registered lol Sorry, sorry I remember – guns are not a joke with you.  I wasn’t  thinking – we just can’t relate to the Wild West up here.  (Or Cleveland.  I don’t get that city at all.)

I laughed by the way when I opened my birthday gift from you and saw the President Trump bobblehead. I will treasure it. Our Prime Minister is like a bobblehead as well – head full of sand, nods yes to everything and never says anything of value. Maybe we could time share your President every second weekend or something, pretty please?  AFTER HE BUILDS YOU THAT WALL!

And coming back to our earlier point – your man is made of money. I wouldn’t be too concerned about whether he gets a salary or not – if he doesn’t care, neither should you. You should, however, be checking out if you can contract him out for the next 8 years now. Neither of us are going to find one like that for a long time. The cost is irrelevant. You need to have a man like that on this project.  And you could buy whole planets with your credit cards so spare me the whining about it.  If you could continue to have Maxine Waters take a salary, you certainly can pay the man what he was worth.  Which is billions, I’m aware.

When Mother smiles, she still lights up a room.

Have you seen on TV lately how Mother is ageing so quickly, it seems,  these days?  Oh I know, you don’t think of her that way anymore.  But anyway, I was actually quite surprised.  I hear Father has stopped doing public events altogether which I’m sure is just fine with Mummy – she’s got enough to do without him hanging around all the time.  Well, I’m sorry but the man needs a hobby and breathing down her neck will never be a very profitable one for him.

However, she’s still as strong and sharp as ever, and she is always so proud of us and Australia. I will always marvel at her British sensibilities and her ability to stand up and stare down any evil Cretan that tries to blow up something over there.

Are they still trying to sneak into the yard at night without being invited?  Oh dear – I hate to say this, and you know I welcome ANYONE with open arms, but that behaviour is outrageous and unacceptable.  I worry about you being all alone in that giant house, knowing those people are just lurking around outside.  Truly I cannot even imagine it.  However, I saw a recent photo of you and you looked so tough!  I was like “wow, that woman’s still got it going on”, you know what I mean?

I sometimes honestly walk around and just check all the doors and windows a few times before bed to make sure all is safe.  Maybe that’s why we’ve been relatively free of that terrorist nonsense?

Before I sign off, I did want to again mention about that silly Reputation Institute Award.  Well, the Award isn’t silly – in fact, I didn’t tell you that it actually made me cry.   I just couldn’t believe that many of the 39,000 G8 residents they polled could vote for ME instead of their own country.  (Well, in Germany’s case that’s not terribly surprising – I would never trust a Fatherland run by a woman).

Now, people do love you as well, don’t get all twisted up on this.  It’s the Most Trusted Nation in the World award.  I’ll be frank – it’s hard sometimes to feel totally safe and trusting with you – you always have a nuclear missile or an aircraft carrier nearby.

Those even makes me nervous – oh yes, so again I do appreciate the offer to have some protection from Putin and that chubby little Korean with the bad haircut, but I do not wish those nuclear devices to be cluttering around in my yard or basement.  Ok?  Point one for me from the MidWest or something.’ Just don’t point one AT me.